Your Complete Guide to Setting Boundaries During the Holidays
The holidays are coming, which means it’s time for an annual re-up on setting boundaries (although hopefully you’re setting boundaries 365/24/7).
The holiday season increases demand on all of our resources. With so many people to see, gifts to buy, and events to attend, it can feel like we’re caught in a tug-of-war between different forces pulling at our time, energy, and money.
Going into the holidays without clear boundaries is like opening the door to your house and inviting everyone on the street to come in & take whatever they want.
It might be exciting to experience the commotion of people rushing in, and you might actually delight in watching others get what they want, but ultimately you’re left with an empty house feeling completely depleted and resentful.
Holidays are also a time when we're susceptible to slipping back into old familial patterns or traditions that no longer serve us. We feel emotional memories from childhood that make it difficult to remember the agency and autonomy we now have as adults. We may also agree to do things because "that's how it's always been done" without checking in to make sure it's still the right decision for us.
Here’s what we’ll cover:
What Are Boundaries & Why Are They Important?
How to Identify Your Boundaries
How to Set Your Boundaries (+ examples)
How to Prepare for Potential Resistance (+ examples)
Identifying Other Possible Triggers
Enjoying the Fruits of Your Labor
1 - What Are Boundaries & Why Are They Important?
Boundaries are essential for fostering healthy relationships. Boundaries protect individual needs while engaging in shared experiences with others. They create the conditions required for everyone involved to feel seen, safe, and respected.
Setting boundaries emphasizes the value of your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing and supports your self esteem.
By identifying and expressing your needs, you have to align with the belief that you deserve to have your needs met - not because you’ve earned it or did something special - just because you are a human with inherent worth.
Boundaries do not equal disconnection or conflict -- in fact, quite the opposite. If everyone is feeling seen, safe, and respected, it becomes easier to build trust, communicate openly, and deepen interpersonal connections. Boundaries, in many ways, prevent conflict.
What can sometimes create conflict is not boundary setting itself - it’s the resistance others put up in reaction to the boundaries you’re setting. And thus, discomfort and conflict may arise, but these “negative” feelings are in service of something good, which is protecting your resources and honoring your needs. Keep reading for ways to prepare for potential resistance.
2 - How to Identify Your Boundaries
First, get clear on what you need from the holidays this year. Are you craving downtime with minimal obligations? Do you want to plan a bunch of fun activities to do with your family? Reflect on what feels most important about the holidays for you this year, regardless of anyone else.
Explore ways to get your needs met while also considering traditions, norms, and expectations from others. Identify who or what might put you in a position to compromise on your needs and think ahead about your willingness to do so. Anything that feels non-negotiable requires strong boundaries to protect it. Think carefully about what exactly you need to protect - is it your time, money, energy, physical space? What do you need from others in order to do this?
You can engage in this reflection through journaling, visualization, meditation, conversations with a neutral party (like a therapist!), or with the ABC model of behavior analysis.
3 - How to Set Your Boundaries
Be clear, direct, and open when you communicate your boundaries to others. Setting boundaries can stir up emotions such as guilt and anxiety, so watch out for the instinct to over-explain or justify yourself in great detail.
It can help to connect with your values to remind yourself and others why these boundaries are important. For example, maybe you need to stay in a hotel this year instead of with family because you value time with yourself. Maybe you need others to get COVID tests before gathering because you value your family's health and safety.
Your boundaries are rooted in something good. Make sure you communicate that.
Set expectations early and often with anyone you'll be spending time with over the holidays. Have conversations in advance that include details such as where you will be and for how long, what you want to do while you're there, how you want to manage gifts and financial responsibilities, and who you do or don't want to see.
Be open to collaborating on creative ways to get everyone's needs met. Coming up with shared agreements ahead of time can reduce disappointment and guilt in case expectations are not met.
Here are examples of setting boundaries:
Caught in a tough conversation
“Let’s pick a different subject”
“I’d rather not talk about this right now”
“Let’s table this for another time”
“I’m not going to talk about this with you if you keep criticizing me like that”
Getting grilled about why you aren’t married with three kids and own a house in the suburbs
“That’s not really my vibe. I’m more interested in…”
“I’m really excited about the work I’m doing, I just started a project on…”
“I actually love living in the city. Last weekend I…”
“Well, that’s not a priority for me right now.”
“I’ve been casually dating and want to keep it this way for now”
“I’m focusing on the relationship with myself”
Changing the “usual” plans
“I’ve realized I need some alone time this year, so I’m going to shorten my trip home.”
“I’m going to skip going to Auntie L’s house -- I’d like some distance from Nel. I’ll meet you afterwards and we can start wrapping gifts together.”
“I don’t have the energy to help cook this year, but I can put some money towards prepared foods if that helps.”
Navigating gifts/financial obligations
“The holidays are usually a financial strain for me. I’d love to try out a Secret Santa this year instead. Can you help me get everyone on board?”
“Since we’re paying for two plane tickets to come see you, it would be great if you could take care of the groceries & wine.”
“Let’s think of a way to split up all of these shared costs. I propose…”
4 - How to Prepare for Potential Resistance
People may resist your boundaries, especially if you're someone who doesn't communicate your needs often. They might misinterpret your boundaries as a personal attack or feel unsettled about the mere change in your communication style.
Just because others show resistance to your boundaries doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.
Be open to listening to their reactions, knowing you don't need to immediately revoke your boundaries and cater to their needs instead of your own.
People may resist your boundaries by:
Saying they understand but then not following through with their behavior
Taking it personally, assuming the worst, and getting defensive
Probing for the “real” reason you need the boundary, not accepting the amount of information you’ve already shared
Questioning “if it’s really necessary” & trying to talk you out of it
Ignoring them completely
Just because someone is unwilling to respect your boundaries now doesn’t mean it will be that way forever. Sometimes people have to learn how to respect your boundaries - and may need some coaching (or reinforcement) from you.
Here are some ways to reinforce boundaries:
Remind others of your boundaries as soon as they are ignored/forgotten.
“Mom, I told you Allen is my girlfriend, not my friend.”
Add a consequence if needed.
“Mom, Allen is my girlfriend. If you keep introducing her as my friend, we’re going to leave.”
Redirect the conversation to your needs - do not spend a lot of time calming someone who is taking your boundaries personally.
“This is not about what happened when I came out four years ago. This is about what my girlfriend & I need to feel welcome this week.”
Use the broken record technique by simply repeating your boundary over and over again without giving in to the pressure to justify your reasoning
“Allen is my girlfriend, please introduce her that way.” <Mom’s response>
“Allen is my girlfriend, please introduce her that way.” <Mom’s response>
“Mom, Allen is my girlfriend, introduce her that way or we will have to leave.”
<etc.>
5 - Identify Other Possible Triggers
Learn from past experiences to identify possible triggers. Heightened sensitivity around political and cultural events over the past year can present quite a few conversational landmines. All of this is happening in addition to the usual challenges of confronting family trauma, resentment, annoyances, and grief. Yes - a lot can show up around the holidays!
By exploring a time you felt triggered in the past, you can identify warning signs that might help you intervene sooner the next time it happens. You can also evaluate how you coped with the triggering situation and think of alternative coping strategies if needed.
Here’s a quick exercise to explore your triggers:
Think of a time when you were triggered (preferably around a holiday and/or in a situation with the same group of people you will be seeing for the holidays)
Recall the scene. What exactly was it that felt triggering? Who was directly involved? Who was indirectly involved? What was everyone doing when it happened? Where were you? What time of day was it? What was the energy like in the room?
Name the emotional impact. What did that feel like for you? What core beliefs did that verify? How did you feel towards the other person/people? Are there any emotions hidden deeper beneath the surface (such as grief, shame, insecurity)?
Connect with what was happening in your body at the time (or what’s happening in your body as you think of the memory). Are you shrinking? Are you puffing out your chest? Are you having an urge to run away? Do you feel any changes in temperature, pressure, space, sight, or physical sensitivity?
Think of how you responded to the trigger. Did you behave according to what was happening in your body? What did you physically do? What did you communicate or not communicate? How did you cope with what happened in that very moment? How did it work?
Reflect on how it ended. How did the triggering situation eventually end? Was a sense of safety & calm restored? Was there a satisfying resolution? Was it brushed under the rug? Who was involved or not involved in helping things change course? What helped you move forward?
6 - Enjoy the Fruits of Your Labor
The holiday season can be mad stressful, so enjoy the fruits of your boundary-setting labor. Create time to swap productivity for pleasure. Slow down when eating your delicious dessert. Buy yourself a gift you want but don't need. Put your phone away when catching up with a relative. Sleep in as late as you can. Pleasure doesn't require you to accomplish anything other than feeling good.
And as always, reach out if you want some individualized support.
Happy holidays, y’all.