The Practice of Loving Yourself

 

Have you ever tried to teach someone a skill you’ve been practicing for a long time?

There’s a particular challenge of watching someone wrestle with the process of learning something you know intimately. You must honor the gap between your experience, well worn and tested, and theirs, still budding, resisting the temptation to just give the person a fish.

And yet watching someone figure it out for themselves provokes a sense of awe — how beautiful it is that we can grow, how inspiring it is that we all do it in our own style (and indeed we must if we want it to stick).

I often feel this way with clients who are struggling with the relationship to themselves. It’s not that I’ve arrived at Self Love — far from it — but some combination of hitting various rock bottoms + developing a genuine interest in my own pain + a lot of time and effort, I’ve learned how to practice loving myself in my own way.

I practice every single day, especially when it’s hard, in ways that work for me. I rely on my oldies but goodies but also try out new approaches when I learn about them. Love slowly seeps in through committed action, and if you know anything about love, you know it’s transformative.

The practice of loving myself has been one of the most challenging and profound journeys of my life.

It has drastically improved my experience of living (and has kept me alive). Like many of my clients, I used to be consumed with negative self talk. I tried nearly all forms of self punishment. I failed so many relationships by isolating myself.

Apart from the judgments, I simply realized these things don’t actually work. Self hatred doesn’t give you the safety, belonging, acceptance, peace, love, connection, or control you’re looking for. (Now — self hatred does serve an important function and we have to learn what that is for you before finding what to replace it with).

Healing the relationship to yourself is possible. I’ve seen so many clients find their own way of coming home to themselves, as I continue to do so myself (and I’m giving a big hug to any voice in your head that just thought: “yeah, but I’m different”). It takes learning new skills, doing some trial and error to figure out what works for you, and committed, sustained practice.

 
 
 

How to practice loving yourself (with examples of making it your own)

Below are some practices that I believe truly work with the right person in the right context. I’ve outlined ways I’ve modified them for myself to inspire this kind of flexibility in your own process. If you give a big eye roll to any of these, perhaps it’s a sign you need a different modification or something totally different. Only you can figure that out!

  • meditation - specifically learning how to observe internal experiences from a distance. if I could teach everyone one thing, it would be this.

    • my modification: I do it lying down before bed, while walking, and/or with my favorite track on

  • being in your body - deep breathing, yoga as a somatic practice not as exercise, nervous system regulation

    • my modification: I notoriously roll around on my yoga mat or on the floor in the evenings (and occasionally thrust a leg in front of the TV while others are trying to watch it)

  • parts work (IFS) - incredibly valuable framework for reducing shame and developing better self understanding

    • my modification: when I notice a feeling, I take a few minutes to jot down which parts are present and what I sense of them (e.g. “productive part - telling me I should be working”)

  • nurturing your inner child + secure attachment to self

    • my modification: I’ve been giving that kiddo a lot of pep talks lately; Alana put a picture of her younger self on the bathroom mirror and says hello each day

  • changing harmful patterns with compassion not shame - it was only when I could let go of shame that I actually changed my problematic substance use

    • my modification: use a workbook or writing prompts to workshop the language of self compassion

  • finding the right therapist and not walking away when it gets hard - therapy is a place where you can practice how to have better relationships out in the real world

    • my modification: for anything too muddy or scary to address together, I write a note to my therapist between sessions

  • seeking relationships + spaces where I don’t have to mask so much

    • my modification: I have to balance alone time + time with friends + time with strangers depending on my energy needs

 

bessel van der kolk, body keeps the score

 
Grace Dickman