How do you stop compulsive, addictive, or problematic behavior? Start by experimenting.

We all engage in behaviors that don’t serve us.  Whether these are “bad habits” or irresistible compulsions, they may feel good in the moment, but they also keep us from living the lives we truly want for ourselves. 

It’s important to remember that these behaviors have a purpose, otherwise it wouldn’t be so hard to ditch them.  Take a moment to think about it: What does this behavior provide for you?  Is it a way to cope?  Does it give you reassurance?  Is it simply pleasurable?  Before trying to change a behavior, you must understand its role in your life. 

It’s easier to have self compassion when you realize there’s a valid reason you’re holding on to this behavior - and it’s easier to change the behavior if you practice this self-compassion and remain patient with yourself throughout the process. 

Going cold turkey is not always a realistic option.  Many people fail at this and then blame themselves, lose hope, and return to the problematic behavior.  Don’t do that.  

Instead, start by doing some experiments to see what happens when you explore alternatives to the behavior.  Experiments are intentional, time-bound, and provide useful information for the future.  By approaching behavior change with a series of experiments, you can learn more about what it feels like for you to temporarily ditch the behavior or change the way you engage with it. 

These experiments aren’t a test of your willpower or worth.  They simply give you information about what you need to stop the behavior and usually - over time - show you that you can handle whatever happens when you finally do.

Here are a few experiments to try:

Delay

Instead of immediately jumping into the problematic behavior, can you wait 10 minutes, one hour, one day?  Once you've delayed for that long, could you go a bit longer?

Example: Perfectionism

I'm going to wait 20 minutes before reviewing text conversations for any mistakes I've made.  Once those 20 minutes are up, I'll challenge myself to wait another 10. 

Replace

Can you replace the problematic behavior with another activity or ritual that has less negative consequences?

Example: Excessive drinking

Instead of cracking a beer once I'm finished with work, I'll go for a quick run (or crack a LaCroix, or walk my dog around the block, or text a friend).

Refrain 

Can you refrain from the behavior completely? Define the length of time you'll refrain from the behavior -- don't say “forever” or leave it open-ended.  Also, think of potential obstacles and ways you can overcome these obstacles in advance.

Example: Overspending

I'm not going to buy any new clothes for the next month. Whenever I get tempted by ads on Instagram, I'll remind myself of my financial goal and why I want to achieve it.

Bonus: Do the behavior “incorrectly”

Can you disrupt the ritual by doing the behavior “incorrectly”?  Try changing or eliminating one element of the ritual.  

Example: Magical Thinking OCD

If I don’t do my bedtime routine in the right order, something bad will happen to my brother.  Instead of starting with brushing my teeth, I’m going to start with washing my face and then proceed with the rest of the routine from there. 

Once you get through a few of these experiments, you can gradually challenge yourself even further by delaying, replacing, or refraining for longer periods of time, experimenting in more triggering situations, or pairing up with an accountability partner. 

And remember: setbacks happen!  Learn from them and keep moving toward what matters.