Understanding and Accepting Emotional Neglect
Therapists often house the term “emotional neglect” in the same category as emotional abuse, physical abuse, and physical neglect when assessing a client’s upbringing. For clients, the term can feel abrasive, especially for those who see their parents or caregivers as good people who did their best.
Not to mention, the very people who’ve experienced emotional neglect will struggle to call it that.
Why? Emotional neglect teaches you to minimize your hardship and suppress your needs, and adopting the term requires you to do the opposite. It acknowledges that what you experienced was harmful and does, In fact, need attention. You learned somewhere that centering your needs would pose some kind of threat to you or your family system.
Some common family scenarios I see with clients who have experienced emotional neglect:
There’s another family member whose needs are amplified, either because this person vocalizes them loudly or because others in the family put them in the spotlight. This could be a sibling with a physical or mental health issue or a parent struggling with substance abuse. Usually this family member’s needs take up a lot of space – it’s the main topic of conversation and impacts the decisions and movements of the whole family. Suppressing your needs is a way to maintain homeostasis within the family system.
There are cultural norms that discourage emotional vulnerability, so emotional literacy is never learned or taught. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase “we don’t talk about emotions” in my therapy sessions. As a child, if you don’t see or hear people talk openly about how they’re feeling, how could you possibly know how to do this yourself?
Whenever you tried to vocalize a need, you got a minimizing response, such as being told to “toughen up”, “others have it worse”, or perhaps you were simply ignored.
It can be scary to attach the label of emotional neglect to your parents or caregivers. You’ve probably learned to prioritize their emotions and fear painting them in a negative light. Even the most well-intentioned caregivers can be emotionally neglectful. What about the single parent who works full time and simply doesn’t have the capacity to meet everyone’s needs? This is not an exercise in demonizing anyone – this is an exercise in radically accepting how you were shaped by the humans who raised you (who were shaped by the humans who raised them).
Here are some steps to addressing your emotional neglect.
Name it, talk about it, write about it. Try this label on and see how it feels. Talk about it with others or journal about it in privacy. Do something to get more comfortable with the term and get curious about whatever resistance might show up during the process.
Practice acceptance and embrace complexity. Remember that two seemingly opposing truths can exist at the same time. Your parent neglected your emotional needs and they are a caring person. Accepting what did or didn’t happen in your childhood can deepen your self awareness and open doors for healing.
Increase your emotional literacy. It sounds basic, but trust me: look at the trusty Feelings Wheel and practice picking out which emotions you feel. Go deeper than naming you’re sad – challenge yourself to get more specific about what kind of sadness this is. Is it grief? Is it resignation?
Build awareness of your emotions. Once you have a more expansive emotional vocabulary, start to notice how these emotions feel in your body. When you’re out and about in the world and feel something, pause to identify what it is.
Respond to your emotions. Now that you’ve built awareness of your emotions, practice responding to them. This can be simple. If you’re feeling frustrated, take one quick action to reassert your agency. If you’re feeling isolated, reach out to a friend.
Engage in parts work. Develop compassion for this younger part of you who learned to suppress their needs as a form of protection. Come up with a visual image of this part of yourself. Think about everything they truly want, need, and fear. Whenever they show up in your adult life, kindly remind them you no longer need their protection and that you’ve got it from here.
Work with a therapist who can support you with this process and give you a space to practice centering your needs. In addition to providing clinical skills and framework, a therapist can also actively process the interpersonal dynamics
It’s time to center your needs.
Are you curious to learn more about your experience with emotional neglect? Many of my clients initially reach out because they’re beginning to realize that minimizing their needs (and always putting others first) is no longer serving them. We work together to conduct a thorough assessment and design a personalized therapy plan to help them find a new way forward.
The first step is to set up a free 15-minute consultation call with me to learn more.
P.S. I know you might be thinking you don’t need therapy or it’s not that big of a deal, and remember - that could be your emotional neglect speaking!