Trauma Bonds, Explained: Why We Stay Connected to People Who Hurt Us

Relationships are emotional endeavors. They are driven by feelings over logic, which is why we often find ourselves at a crossroads between the head and the heart.

We wonder things like:

“Should I keep seeing her even though it’s not practical to have a relationship at this time in my life?”

“He’s a great father on paper, but I don’t connect with him and I don’t know why.”

“I know this relationship is toxic, but for some reason I can’t leave them.”

I hear that last sentiment in therapy sessions quite regularly, whether we’re discussing a relationship with a romantic partner or a parent. For some reason, it can be incredibly difficult to walk away from people who hurt us. This dilemma causes immense feelings of guilt and shame, because logically the relationship is harmful, so why can’t we just leave?

But what if I told you your brain can actually be shaped by these relationships in a way that makes it feel more dangerous to leave than to stay? What if the hesitation to leave isn’t attributed to a personal flaw of yours? What if your brain is actually understanding the relationship as a familiar and pleasurable experience? What if you didn’t have to blame yourself for this?

Let’s talk about trauma bonds and how they can keep us trapped in unhealthy relationships.

A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment to someone who is abusive that is driven by our physiological response to the cycle of abuse and rekindling. The alternating periods of devaluation (punishment) and making up (reward) activate the brain’s pleasure center. It creates the same type of addictive feeling as sitting down at a slot machine, losing over and over again until you reach the thrill of a big win.

When you’re in a phase of abuse and can’t fight or flee, you freeze. This is a survival mechanism. And when you get through that phase of abuse into a phase of rekindling, affection, and kindness, that survival skill becomes reinforced because it seems to have worked.

The rekindling phase (the big win) then prompts the release of dopamine, which your brain experiences as pleasure. Physical intimacy during this phase can also release oxytocin (the so-called “love hormone”) to deepen feelings of connection with the abuser, ease distress, and filter out the negative treatment.

By continuously cycling through these phases:

You are rewarded for your loyalty (your survival skill of freezing)
You begin to seek out the abuser’s validation (a big win) despite the negative treatment (the losses)
You feel a sense of love and excitement (which is actually fear and chaos)
You share such intense highs and lows with the abuser that the relationship feels special (oxytocin)

On top of this, interpersonal abuse strips away your self esteem, makes you question your own reality, isolates you from friends and family, takes away your independence, and exacerbates feelings of dependency on the abuser.

There may be extended periods of time when you make plans or attempts to leave, or even manage to leave, then decide to return to the relationship. Your brain reminds you that rekindling can alleviate the fear, guilt, and pain you’re experiencing from trying to leave. It craves that quick hit of dopamine and oxytocin, even if it keeps you trapped in another endless cycle. Other relationships can also feel boring, and you might miss the “excitement” and familiarity of the abuser.

Trauma bonds are particularly challenging in formative relationships, such as with parents/caregivers, romantic partners, “first” relationships (e.g. first best friend, first queer partner), or any relationship where there is a real or perceived power imbalance. They are also frequently seen in relationships with people who have narcissistic personality traits (or narcissistic personality disorder). These formative relationships shape your understanding of all relationships. They can be disorienting and make “healthy” relationships feel abnormal or wrong. You may even develop mistaken beliefs that healthy relationships are “not for you” or that you don’t deserve them.

It is possible to break a trauma bond, change your understanding of relationships, and establish a sense of pride in your independent identity.

It’s best to begin this work once you have left the relationship or feel ready to separate yourself from the abuser. If you’re still enmeshed in the relationship and feel committed to them, all of those pleasure hormones are going to make this really tricky.

In my experience, here’s what helps:

Safety planning: You first need to establish a safety plan, which is an outline (written or memorized) for what to do when you’re in danger. This includes places to go, people/hotlines to call, ways to access money you’ve saved, etc. If you are not in immediate physical danger from this person, this could look like a game plan for how to cope with emotional distress or thoughts of self-harm based on what you know has worked in the past.
No contact: Do whatever you can to cut off contact with this person. Make it nearly impossible for you to reach them too.
Therapy: Having a neutral, judgement-free space to process feelings, talk openly, and explore action steps is essential.
Self compassion: This is not. your. fault. Your brain has literally been trained to stay in this relationship, so give yourself grace when you’re trying to get out of it.
Grieving: It’s so important to grieve the loss of this relationship as if this person passed away. Cry, meditate, reflect (even on the good times!), journal, talk it out, have a spiritual ceremony - do anything that will ceremonialize the end of this relationship.
Individuation: Begin learning more about your own identity and amp up your independent (not necessarily solo!) activities. “Independent” activities are things you choose to do because you want to do them.
Reorienting relationships: This one takes time. Be very patient with yourself as you nurture other relationships, even if they feel strange, boring, “not for you”, or uncomfortable. Approach this as an experiment in trying out new and different types of relationships, being mindful of how they make you feel without judging them so quickly.

Being in an abusive relationship and struggling to leave it is not your fault. I don’t care if you made mistakes, tried to fight back, hid things from the abuser, etc. None of these things mean you deserve to be threatened, insulted, injured, degraded, or violated.