How to Survive the Holidays in 2020
Hell of a year, huh?
We’re in the final stretch, but we have to get through the holiday season before we’re finally done with it. (And yes, I know, all of our woes won’t magically disappear once the ball drops on NYE, but I am READY for the energy a new year brings).
With the pandemic drastically limiting our social interactions, holiday celebrations will look a lot different this year. Given and chosen families will be connecting virtually, in person (socially distanced or not), or not at all. There are so many variables to consider when thinking about how people are impacted by the holidays, but my work has shown me that this time of year is hard for everyone in some way.
There are many resources to inform you of the risks of traveling and gathering this year as you’re deciding your holiday plans:
I’m going to focus on ways you can manage your emotional health regardless of what you decide. So, how do we survive the holidays in 2020?
If you’re seeing family in person or virtually
Think ahead about possible triggers. The major events of 2020 are conversational landmines: a contested election, a ravaging pandemic that has the ethics of our personal risk-taking behaviors on display, a global spotlight on our very deep institutional and personal racism - the list goes on. Combine this with the usual challenges of confronting family trauma, resentment, annoyances, and grief. Have you thought of something that might trigger you yet? Reflect on the warning signs in your body and brain that let you know you’re getting triggered. When you notice these signs, what should you do? What helps or doesn’t help? Don’t assume every conversation will be a disaster, but do prepare yourself in case something goes awry. The more prepared you are, the more confident you’ll be in handling whatever shows up.
Remember this year has been hard for everyone. We are experiencing a mental health crisis across the country (and globe). While you raise awareness about your own mental health needs, consider how others’ mental health concerns could show up this year. Common behavior changes of someone struggling with mental health include withdrawal, anger, irritability, crying, defensiveness, disorganization, lack of focus, memory loss, and restlessness. Check in with each other. Practice compassion even when it’s difficult. Give each other grace.
Be ready to set boundaries. If you’re caught in a tough conversation, it’s okay to say, “I don’t want to talk about this right now”. If you’re uncomfortable with someone’s lack of COVID precautions, it’s okay to ask, “Can you wash your hands before you do that? I want us all to stay safe.” If someone is asking something unreasonable of you, it’s okay to say, “I can’t commit to that.” Give yourself permission to speak up about your needs.
Set expectations early and often. Have conversations ahead of time about how you hope to spend the holidays this year. If you’re spending any time together in person, check in with other family members about COVID precautions and agree on a strategy to keep everyone safe. If you’re gathering virtually, agree on when will this take place and how long do you want to stay connected. Coming up with shared agreements ahead of time can reduce disappointment and guilt if expectations are not met.
Find an ally. Is there a sibling, auntie, or family dog you know you vibe with? Be intentional about connecting with them. It can be especially hard if you’re not seeing others in person this year to have some of those meaningful side conversations. So even if you’re not besties outside of holiday time, send a quick text (or treat) to say hello.
Plan your before/after schedule wisely. With a little less running around this year, you probably have some newfound flexibility in your holiday schedule - so plan accordingly. If you’re jumping on an hours-long family Zoom call, think about how you want to spend your time before and after. Do you need to prep food for your meal beforehand? Do you need to recharge with a walk afterwards? And if you’re seeing anyone in person, please plan ahead to test, quarantine, limit public encounters, or do whatever you need to do to stay safe.
If you’re opting out of family gatherings
Make “The Conversation” values-based. You know The Conversation I’m talking about. The one you might be dreading and putting off because you don’t want to break anyone’s heart by not participating in family gatherings this year. This conversation has the potential to be guilt-ridden, so communicate the values behind your decision. Do you value your family’s health? Do you value the time you can completely disconnect? Do you value the opportunity to have a low-key holiday with your partner or friends? Your decision is rooted in something good. Make sure you communicate that.
Find a way to honor this ritual. No matter what you think about the holidays, they are a form of ritual for most. Rituals are important for alleviating grief, increasing confidence, and decreasing anxiety - even if you don’t think they benefit you. Is there a family dish you can recreate for yourself? Or a tradition you practice each year? Find a way to do something special during the holidays that can distinguish this time from the rest of the (very Groundhog-day-like) year.
Connect with someone, anyone. Trust me, I’m an introvert -- the idea of being alone in a quiet house disconnected from the rest of the world sounds like a dream. And yet, the benefits of social connection are impossible to deny. The really cool thing is that you can reap these benefits based on your internal, subjective, felt sense of connection rather than being face-to-face with someone. So whether you have an extended conversation with your Instacart delivery person or reach out to an old friend on social media, remember that it can help you both during a year of such increased loneliness and isolation.
Practice gratitude. Sure, it’s easy to focus on everything we can’t do and can’t have for the holidays this year. It’s okay to grieve that. Also make space to recognize what you’re gaining. Maybe it’s a bit more peace and quiet, maybe you’ve developed some confidence with setting boundaries -- whatever it is, take time to acknowledge it.
A final word
Be open to being surprised. No matter how you spend the holidays this year, you might be pleasantly surprised with the outcome. It’s possible to experience joy amidst suffering through laughter, connection, or peaceful moments alone. See this year as an experiment in doing things differently. Set the emotions aside for a moment and look at this time with some curiosity. Whatever happens, this will surely be a holiday season we all remember.